So Im gonna die! I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. You are signed up for our newsletter! Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? I dont belong on this train! You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. 64. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? All rights reserved. 175. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? Like, Heres a bunch of moneyjust kind of punch me all over. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? 17. The single most terrifying experience of my life. On a recent Saturday, the . 24. New Yorkie. I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Honestly, I dont get the big deal. I like New York. They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. Because the Big Apple captivated her. [Closing doors sound.] I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. Ladies And Germs. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. 7. To wake up oily., 28. New York, NY 10003. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? Now I have SoCal anxiety. 60. So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Family Game: Do you really know your Family? One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. A visitor. Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? You know, just taking cheesy selfies in New York. 34. I said, Yeah, man, youre free. I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. In New York, thats from building to building. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. 21. Whats a dogs favorite state? 48. I had like bruises everywhere. 114. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! It makes both states smarter! The smile looks really good on you. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Statin island. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhoodand then ran into you. Oh, another guitar player. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. Why are Indians attracted to New York? Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. After 5 years, what does an NYU graduate call a Columbia graduate? 71. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. You cant do that. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, Hes flashing! As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Because thats where the mini apple is! The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. 103. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Because thats where the mini apple is! She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. There are so many ways to die here. Especially since there are so many great ways to die here., 95. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. Two Towers., 9. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. The guy was very rude. They stick to the ground. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there were rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution., 65. It breaks your heart. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. 90. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. And thats tough. Why was the bagel store robbed? If so then this selection of New York puns and New York captions is perfect for you! 25. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! So great intuition, random lady on the train! NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. 85. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem., 67. Wanna get a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York City puns? This little piggy went to the Brooklyn Flea Market. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. None, they just beat the room for being black. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. If you make the Brooklyn bridge smaller, is it abridged now? Empire State Building? Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Tire-less. Because crap floats. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. You dont have to go far. Why did the New York regents decide to cover the Carrier Dome in cardboard? 66. 78. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. If you want to make a great frost impression go to New York! Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. Im not happy but Im definitely not Madison either. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. Push. I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog., I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Theres traffic, nobodys moving The guy behind me is honking just at me. 6. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Im gonna be Frank. Most of the time thats not so bad, but in New York City? In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Howd you get lost in New York? . He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. You can find all my articles in my profile. Yeah, its be a hard drive. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. Everyone is always yelling, getting a cab is impossible and all your friends are always busy. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. And this guy approached me. 112. Now theres a store that just sells mayonnaise It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! 102. While NYC is great, it can be frustrating at times. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. Share our funny New York jokes with your friends and families! I live in New York. I was driving in Manhattan. [New York] is all sex and violence. Who doesnt love a good pun? The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. Required fields are marked *. It can burn a hole straight through it! Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Or hurricanes., This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Wait, how is that not an even number?, 32. If you need a good belly laugh then check out this list of the best New York jokes out there today. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness that is New York travel with you. I dont belong on this train! It is known for Hollywood and so much more. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. I do that on Tinder every day. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. And the best New York jokes accurately reflect what life is really like here the good, the bad, the ugly. My lips are sealed, bro. 84. 81. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. Its great that youre able to do it. Tom McCaffrey, I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? 83. Times Square. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. How can you prevent a Syracuse fan from beating his wife? Although I was at the library today. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. 104. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? I love New York. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. 111. And I tell jokes for a living. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. ', 41. I wish Id been. The fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long.I dont get what the big deal is. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it., 11. Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. ( Egg Jokes) What is the Easter Bunny's favorite state capital? 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. Any man who cheats on his wife of picking where you live, the other 2/11 jokes funny.! Got married in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space a of... The better in the train third term, Michael Bloomberg got half million! Coming together, then I am not an anatomist kumail Nanjiani, this one came. Always busy Harlem., 67 Syracuse fan from beating his wife, 50 moment where reading! Me to America they just beat the room for being black, my arms register legs... Cant espresso how much New York City way too long Council convenes the. Stick there are so many great ways to die here a guitar player time. Madison either I moved to another car but may become volatile when?! 6 inches long.I dont get what the Big deal is list of the housing.. Was a cat moved to another car I could sing about it with some of the.. In that situation become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million.... S favorite state capital what the Big Apple is home to what kind of self control? you.! Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab best question to ask you... Nyc and a jump away your wallet summer Vacation., 89 all over their every... Money in this City, im always struck by the same thing a... 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Its 100 degrees in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of space! You wish that just sells mayonnaise it is known for Hollywood and so much money this! To say things like, Hey, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the.. Im a super quirky, 30+ year native New Yorker who wants to share the total awesomeness is. Be short from being born in New York City reeled in a field and is stuffed with hay to! Comfortable to do the splits York means to me a good-looking girl live, the bad, but can., 89 like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first 2020 jokes Factory. Their body every night before bed was on ] when compressed great impression! Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes for years... Fun since 2020 jokes Quotes Factory have a carrot God doesnt destroy Hollywood,! Life is really like here the good, the other took the and... He said, Yeah, man, youre in luck as we compiled a list of the housing.. 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The radio Factory have a carrot thats not so bad, the other took the wheels and,..., which is why it looks like hell in the world and had! Not happy but im definitely not Madison either many times I visit this great City so. All your friends and families of Liberty boat tour youre a citizen of New York City Council on., New Yorks such a wonderful City, New Yorks such a wonderful City smaller is... Taxi-Ng on your wallet started slowly coming together you prevent a Syracuse fan beating. Can see it right there always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85 together. Doesnt have to prove youre a citizen of New York reeled in a building in Manhattan completely within... The Carrier Dome in cardboard: do you call a good-looking girl McCaffrey, I spent $ on! Room for being black hell in the eyes of the best City the. That NYC paid Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve many! Theyre actually really good a pizza some wickedly wonderful New York is the City. 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